Visiting Family on the Other Side of the World

A couple weeks ago I wrote about my thoughts as I was soaring through the sky on my way to China. I won’t write about how amazing flight is again, but I am writing this on my way back to the United States. In between those two posts, I had a very special trip.

The last time I was in China was January of 2020. I went with my significant other to visit her family for the first time then, and it did not take long to learn that there were people half way around the world that considered me family too, who I consider family as well. At the time it did not seem like a remarkable moment in history, but in retrospect it was a bit crazy. I remember landing at Newark Airport in the second week of January and learning about some mysterious virus. We did not know at the time how much that would shake our lives, but it took us six and a half years to get back to see our family in China after that.

There were many reflections throughout my trip that I have wanted to share. China is a special place where so many times you are walking in and around history just being there. Things that have been preserved for thousands of years, which from a U.S. perspective is amazingly long. Yet for the second trip in a row, despite the awe-inspiring nature of the place I was in, the most special part of the trip was the people I was with.

I am only conversational in English and they are only conversational in Mandarin. My significant other and her parents are fluent in both languages, but her grandparents and aunt and uncle only speak Mandarin, so there is a language barrier between us. This by no means creates a full communication barrier, as we still engage with each other regularly, but it is a different sort of experience. I am generally a very talkative person, but I found myself in a more quiet and reflective state when I was out there. We tried translation apps early and found them to be tedious, so we used them sparingly. My partner would often translate, but she was often engaged in conversations of her own and did not always feel like translating, which I can appreciate. So I didn’t understand a lot of conversation, but found myself engaging differently.

Just because we couldn’t understand each other’s words didn’t keep us from speaking with each other. Not as much as they spoke with one another, but still a very fair amount. A lot of communication is non-verbal, so I found myself very in tune with people’s body language, tone, and other cues in conversation. There were many times that I would start laughing at a story that I did not understand, not as a social nicety, but because they were genuinely funny to me. They thought I was funny too. There were many times her grandfather, an amazing 90 year old, and I would have full conversations, him speaking to me in Mandarin and me responding to him in English, where we might have been talking about two different things, but felt connected in meaningful ways. He was convinced that I had learned the language and could understand what he was saying. I reiterated to him multiple times that I would practice Mandarin over the next year before we go back to see them, but that I in fact do not know the language. But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t understand him. I really think I got the most important stuff.

I am lucky to have been born into a family that loves me with all of their heart and engages me in various ways. I am lucky to have been chosen into a family that does the same, but in many different ways, though some are similar. Being in a multicultural relationship brings richness into my life. Like my family, when I am with hers, there is always a lot of food and discussion. My favorite meals were not at the best restaurants, though I love those so much, but were in her grandparent’s or aunt and uncle’s homes with good home cooking. Dumplings have always been one of my favorite foods, and they loaded me up a few times.

Her grandparents have owned their apartment in the second ring of Beijing since the 1960s. It has two bedrooms, one that also serves as a family room with a couch and some folding chairs that surround a circle table where the six of us could sit together, a foyer of sorts with storage in their coat rack, refrigerator, and shelves, a wet bathroom with a washing machine, and a small kitchen where the cooking is done. While we slept at a hotel about a kilometer away from their apartment, we spent at least part of most days there, and it feels very much like home.

The counters in the kitchen get filled with whatever is being cooked, and no matter how much I have had to eat, I am told to eat a little bit more. I took it as a metaphor for how abundant their love is. There was not a single meal where there were not leftovers. I could tell this often disappointed the grandmother, which we would always get a good laugh at. I will be working off the extra mass I am bringing back to the U.S. with me for some time, and have just told myself that it will ensure I get to the gym and convert it into muscle over time.

It felt more special than a normal vacation. Not just being around but living in a different environment was enriching. In addition to the touristy stuff that I will get into, I enjoyed the parks in their neighborhood, and was amazed at how safe and clean the city was. It did not matter what time we were walking, often after sunset, I did not once fear for my safety. I would always admire the community health center and social services buildings we would walk past that served the neighborhood in addition to the stores and restaurants that lined the streets.

But we did also have some times playing tourist. The last two weeks were kind of split into three different trips, the first five days were in Beijing, the middle five days we traveled to Xi’an and Chengdu, and the final five days of the trip were spent back in Beijing. My first trip to China was spent entirely in Beijing hitting all the tourist spots. Being there in January led to much fewer crowds last time, and we did not go back to all of those spots on this trip. Beijing was really about just spending time with the whole family, and I wouldn’t change that.

But that middle portion was also special. We traveled with her aunt and uncle to the two cities the progressively got further west in China. Before I get into the places, I have to talk about the travel. One of the most striking things about this trip to China was their infrastructure. As we traveled west on that trip, we took the high speed rail between both cities. We were moving faster than 200 mph at times on the ground, but it felt smooth the whole time. We flew on the way back because it was two and a half hours instead of 8-10 depending on stops, but the speed of the train made it a real choice for long travel within the country.

Multiple places along the trip, in addition to some beautiful countryside, you could see the energy infrastructure investments right outside the window. I saw hydro, nuclear, solar, and wind projects that fed their vast energy infrastructure. In all three cities we were in, it seemed there were as many if not more electric vehicles on the road than gas powered cars. The buses and taxis were all electric. I’d like to believe that this was done out of concern for the environment, but I don’t know that’s true. Clean and renewable energy isn’t just about environmentalism. As I traveled through it, it was clear the resilience it built into the society.

The oil shock that is ravaging the U.S. and many other countries since the Strait of Hormuz was blocked had less of an impact there. Sure, China has a tremendous amount of resources for itself, but so does the U.S. China’s investment into alternative energy sources makes it better equipped to withstand changes beyond its control. I will continue to hope that more of the world moves forward with urgency toward clean energy because of my concern for the environment, but now also believe they should because of greater energy independence. Seeing that firsthand on this trip left a lasting impression on me.

The first leg of our trip in Xi’an was phenomenal beyond the train ride. The main attraction that brought us there was to see the Terracotta Warriors. I remember learning about that in school, but it was something else to see in person. If I have this right, a couple millennia ago, there was an emperor who became emperor when he was a child, like three or four years old. During his long reign, he started to plan for his death, and commissioned an entire army, in addition to other pieces, to be crafted and buried with him to serve him in the after life. When you go there today, they have dug up a few pits that surface the massive amount of work that was done. In the largest pit, you look at what seems to be larger than a football field in both length and width of trenches filled with these terracotta statues, both humans and horses.

For multiple reasons, while I was walking through there, I was struck with how amazing things can be done when something is a priority, along the lines of how the values of any organization can be seen most clearly in its budget. First, and most obviously, the priority that this emperor put on making this happen is incredible. If all that was done was digging the trenches they did thousands of years ago, that would have been impressive enough. Having those trenches filled with lifelike artwork made during that time is that much more impressive. In addition to that though, there was an impressive force of archaeologists. China is incredibly proud of its history and works hard to preserve it. When these trenches get dug up, whether by the digging or just such a long period of time under the earth, the terracotta statues get broken into pieces. In addition to the full terracotta statues that are visible, you also see them working on putting more of them back together. In addition to the terracotta warriors, there were museums on the property full of bronze relics that were from the time as well. It was a very cool experience.

But it was not the only cool old thing we saw in Xi’an. There was a big pagoda with an old bell that was huge. I love the Liberty Bell, but when you see it for the first time in person, if you are like me, you will think, I thought this would have been bigger. That was definitely not my thought about the bell in Xi’an. We also saw a giant structure called the big goose atop a massive fountain that was very cool. But the thing that struck me most about the city was that its first ring was encased in a massive wall that was almost 1000 years old.

I went to The Great Wall on my first trip to China. It was an amazing experience. I was unaware of this wall, which to its credit, was also pretty great. We are talking about many square miles that are surrounded by a structure that was built before Columbus embarked on his voyage.

Xi’an was an awesome experience, and then going to Chengdu was also incredible. There is history in Chengdu, but if you ever go, you will see that it is best known for its pandas. I don’t know that I had ever heard of the city of Chengdu before I went, though I had heard of the Sichuan province that it is in, but it is massive, with more than 20 million people. All of them are constantly exposed to the cutest pandas you can imagine. In addition to the pandas that live in the panda research base that we visited, they have panda statues lining the streets and scaling buildings in its city center. They have countless stores dedicated just to panda swag. I have always thought pandas were cute, I enjoy visiting the ones at the Smithsonian National Zoo in DC, and it was a real joy to be around so many pandas for a few days.

The other main takeaway is that they really like spicy food. If they don’t like that, then they like punishing themselves. You would not believe how many peppers they put into their food. I’m pretty good with spicy food, but this was next level. For the most part it added flavor, not just spicy for the sake of being spicy, but adding a dimension (an extreme one) to the flavor profile of the food. But its not just the peppers themselves, but the peppercorns you have to look out for. The biggest problem with them is that they hide, unlike the peppers that are easy to spot and move off the food before you eat it. The first night I ate a peppercorn wedged into a piece of chicken that I had to ask to make sure I wasn’t having an allergic reaction. I know they call it numbing spicy, but that makes it sound like you don’t feel it. My mouth was vibrating. I don’t have any grand insights about that, but just wanted to share. That is a memory I will keep in my mind, and because we know that the body keeps the score, also my mouth.

Even with these marvelous travels, the best part was the people I was with. These travels deepened our relationship in a meaningful way. Sharing experiences with people creates a special bond. The biggest takeaway I have from the trip is not the souvenirs nor the weight that I gained, but the bond with my chosen family that continues to deepen. As soon as I got there, I had wished that I committed real time to trying to learn Mandarin, so that is something I will be working on moving forward. Learning languages was never my strongest subject in school, but I’ll do the best I can, hoping it only further deepens my relationship with loved ones. We had some rich conversations about how we see the world that I look forward to many more of. I was able to learn a lot from their sharing, and I think they got the same from my sharing, thanks to all the time my partner spent translating across people and conversations over the last couple weeks. I hope to be able to converse directly more and more moving forward.

A few more reflections before I close this piece. I didn’t mention it when I first brought up our last trip to China, but that was my last pure vacation. Since COVID, every time that I have traveled it has been at least in part for work, or shoved into a weekend trip. When I took over as ED of CTIPP I didn’t take vacation. I had plenty of travel for different meetings and speaking engagements, but I always did work on those trips .I thought that I was doing a service to the organization and the work. I think that was noble but misguided. I really took this time off, other than one call. There were a couple other calls I would have been on if I wasn’t traveling on the days of those, but other than that I really tried to just be on vacation. Stepping away from the work for a while led, I think, to me gaining some insights and perspectives that I have not been able to gain when I am just in it everyday. One of the most profound thoughts was not whether there was something wrong with the idea, but whether there is something wrong with me as the leader to bring the ideas that I work on into the world. Separating myself from my position for a little bit for the first time in a while gave time for different sort of thinking like this.

I do not mean this in a self depricating way, but just honest thought without as much ego. I want so badly to see The Full Press come into the world, I care much less who gets the credit. I believe that I can add valuable innovations not just to The Full Press but other matters of improving the public system, but don’t need to be ED or President. Obviously, given the positions I’ve held over the last several years, I am fine if that is the case. But seeing the investments in China’s culture, energy infrastructure, social safety net, and more that I have witnessed over the last couple of weeks, I just want to see The Full Press come to life. There is not profound conclusion that I have found to this thought, but found myself willing to open up in ways that I simply was not able to before this trip. I would have gotten defensive at a thought like this before, and now, it feels like something that should at least be a consideration.

There are other insights about work and life that have been flowing as well through the trip, which I am sure I will share more of in future posts. These insights really instilled that there is a need to take breaks sometimes. It isn’t even about getting more rest, I don’t know that I got more rest on this trip than I normally would have, but I got a different perspective that I think will bring value to my normal life and work. There may be times in the future where I can’t have vacation for a long while, where travel will be about work above pleasure, and it’s good to know that I can do that, but this is a good reminder to take breaks when I am able to do so.

The other reflection is my profound love for my significant other. She is a private person and so, as I have said in writings before, I won’t use her name out of my deep respect for her. It’s funny referring to her in this writing as partner and significant other, as those are not what I normally call her. It feels far too formal, but I am just trying to balance my willingness to be public about my life and thoughts with her wishes to not be. It is a tension I will continue to explore, I am sure, in my writings moving forward. Usually I will write about work, but she is such a huge part of my life that she is bound to come up time and again as I continue writing.

It’s been almost nine years since we first met. September 21st, 2017, I walked onto a SEPTA regional rail ride that changed my life forever. That was a Thursday when we met, we went on our first date that Saturday, and we have been together ever since. It is amazing that after all this time, there is still so much that I have to learn about her. Maybe that says something about me and that I should be more observant, maybe that says something about her and the depth she has as a person, maybe that speaks to the beauty of navigating life with someone and growing together over a long period of time. While someday I will look back and think that nine years isn’t that long, it is undoubtedly a meaningful amount of time.

I can be a challenging person. I try to be kind and generous, but I have strong opinions. Fortunately, I am with someone who meets me with both strength in her convictions as well as sweetness in her love. I met her before I knew about CTIPP, and while I will never know how my career would have transpired if not for that train ride, I know that her support throughout the better part of the last decade has been vital. To get to enjoy adventures through life with her, whether traveling around the world or in the conversations that we have after long days of work in our apartment, I am grateful to have her in my life.

To have her family accept me as family is incredibly special. Early in the trip, I don’t remember the exact context, but her grandmother patted me right on the chest and said something I could tell was sweet. It was translated for me that she said, “This is my grandson.” We left China with tears for leaving our family for a time, in addition to promises to be back soon. How lucky am I to have family on both sides of this beautiful earth? How lucky am I to be in a supportive relationship as we navigate this life alongside each other and continue to grow?

It feels necessary, coming back from China right now, to acknowledge the mass tragedy that occurred while I was there earlier this week. I have no great insight here, what can be said when hundreds are dead and thousands still missing? When we were first planning our trip within the trip that wound up taking us to Xi’an and Chengdu, we discussed the possibility of going to very western China in the Himalayas. I don’t think we would have been in the impacted region but we didn’t get too far in the planning because the travel would have been taken a long time to do this and we wanted to be able to get to and from Beijing with relative ease as the priority of the trip, so I am not sure, but it was heartbreaking and scary when that news came across the headlines. This glacial collapse, against a backdrop of Himalayan and other glaciers losing ice dramatically more rapidly over the last decade, warrants fear regarding what climate change is doing to our world. The videos showing the incredible power of nature are humbling and should make us want to act as best we can. But I do not mean to use the tragedy to make a point for action I believe should be taken. While I have reflected on so many positives about the trip in this piece and hope that doesn’t taint my heartfelt sadness for those impacted by the flood, I didn’t feel like I could write this without acknowledging this tragedy.

As I travel back to the U.S., excited to see and spend time with my family and friends in the states, it only adds to the passion and effort that I will bring to my work to create a sustainable planet and a better future for all. I am excited for work, and also excited for my next vacation.